I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
