she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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