please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
