You smell like a Billy Joel song
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
