Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
