whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
