You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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