OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
