The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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