needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
