he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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