She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
