I am puke
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
