I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
