If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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