My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
