she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
