JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she told me i tasted like america
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
