Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
