He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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