I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
