I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
