I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
