He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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