she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
