Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
