Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
