Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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