Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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