he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
