my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
