Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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