So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
