My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
