I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
