Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
