I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
