His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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