No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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