I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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