my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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