Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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