This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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