Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
