mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
