cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
