I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
