im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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