I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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