I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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