There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
