i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
What a dumb baby whore.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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