Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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