I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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