I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
